


Aliens Did Not Make Them Do It

by Lobelia321



Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-04-09
Updated: 2006-04-09
Packaged: 2017-10-18 03:13:57
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,342
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/184379
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lobelia321/pseuds/Lobelia321
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Stuck.  On an unpopulated moon.  Just the two of them.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Aliens Did Not Make Them Do It

_**FUNFIC: "Aliens Did Not Make Them Do It" / fic plus writing exercises, whee!!!**_  
Title: Aliens Did Not Make Them Do It  
Author: Lobelia  
Fandom: Stargate Atlantis  
Pairing: Rodney McKay / Radek Zelenka  
Spoilers: 2.01 (very, very oblique reference).  
Rating: NC-17  
Summary: Stuck. On an unpopulated moon. Just the two of them.  
Category: Experimental funfic combined with stylistic [writing exercises](http://lobelia321.livejournal.com/430541.html).

Prose modes (gacked and adapted to my own twisted purposes from Raymond Queneau's [Exercises in Style](http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0811207897/104-7586435-1515909?v=glance&n=283155)):

  

  * present, unpredicated
  

  * dialogue
  

  * metaphor
  

  * the subjective side
  

  * precision
  

  * official report
  



**• present, unpredicated**

Stuck. On an unpopulated moon. Light years away from home. Jumper totalled. Radio out. Twin orbs in sky: planet and sun.

Just the two of them.

Not good.

Oxygen level of moon's atmosphere: zero. Chances of survival outside jumper: ditto. Oxygen remaining inside jumper: 36, maybe 48 hours' worth.

Chances of staying sane inside jumper, with just the two of them, Rodney and Radek:

Asymptotically approaching minus one.

  
 **• dialogue**

"You know, Zelenka, I have been thinking about this, this situation we are in."

"Yes, yes, I also am thinking. Am thinking that it will be 24 hours minimum for rescue team to find us but given fact that radio contact had been out for 38 minutes prior to our crash landing here, that it may take them longer, up to 56 hours, even 72 which would be problem because oxygen levels are already critical, although if we shut down the secondary systems in order to clean the filters and if we open the botanical specimen-unit that there is every possibility... Why? What is wrong?"

"Nothing, nothing is wrong. Oh, except this whole stuck-on-an-alien-moon business but besides that, nothing at all. What could possibly be wrong except that we are going to go stark raving insane within a shorter space of time than I am calculating we have available in terms of oxygen consumption!"

"If levels drop below hyper-critical point, is indeed possible that we may experience hallucinatory phenomena."

"Look, there is no need to tell me of all people about hallucinations. And guess what? We are not going there. We are going to have to find some other solutions. And I propose this."

"What?"

"I propose... it's really a very elegant, and dare I say it, even energy-efficient proposition."

"So? What could possibly it be?"

"Zelenka? We're going to have to have sex."

"I pardon you?"

"Sex, Zelenka! You have heard of sex?"

"I have heard, yes, and I hear you, yes, but I look around, and no: I see no women here."

"No, obviously not! Obviously there's only us two here! That is the whole problem, after all!"

"So what precisely are you proposing, Rodney? That we should engage in mutual masturbation?"

"Well. Yes."

"Let me think about this. Okay, I have thought about this."

"Good. So... unbutton your pants."

  
 **• metaphor**

The tin can uttered not a shudder when sheaves of petals unfolded and the rooster from its underground lair, emerging crowing and cowing, bobbed his head above the horizon. Limp of limb, he attempted to ascend the periwinkle heights but, alas and alack, the slings and arrows, indeed the tazers and PD-40s of expedient surprise, waylaid our valiant voyager. The horn did not grow, the nettle was not plucked nor did the rivers of dark _jouissance_ bubble forth into oblivious euphoria.

  
 **• the subjective side**

Shit and crap. This is very embarrassing. Well, not so embarrassing. Maybe would be more embarrassing if I could get hard-on straight away with Rodney McKay. Is not so odd that I can't. First, I must forget that it is even Rodney McKay. Then, I must forget that we are in life-or-death situation. Third, I must forget that the person who is not Rodney McKay but, actually, gorgeous brunette from chemistry department at University of Brno, who knows what she is doing now?-- Anyway, am getting off track.

Third, I must forget ridiculous manipulations of person who is not Rodney McKay. If I am sure of one thing then is, that gorgeous brunette would not be pulling at masculine member like this. At _my_ masculine member. Is quite absurd and will not get me anywhere.

And no, Rodney, do not talk, will only make matters worse.

He talks. Is making matters worse.

"Zelenka," he is saying. "This is very embarrassing."

Yes, yes, oh yes. Am nodding vigorously. Am not speaking as I don't really trust voice right now. Anyway, not necessary to speak with Rodney McKay around.

"Zelenka. Well. Anyway, it doesn't matter because the point of the exercise is to keep ourselves occupied, right, and to prevent our minds from going completely and utterly bananas, right; the point is not and never was that we measure this exercise on some sort of performance scale, and if you can't get it up, Zelenka, that is no doubt the fault of the oxygen depletion in your bloodstream and can be..."

"Shut up. Or I will truly go bananas."

"See? It's this kind of attitude that is already telling me that our levels of psychological stability are approaching malfunction."

"Rodney? Are you psychotherapist?"

"No, of course not but every child knows that..."

"Then be quiet and put something else in mouth besides bullshit."

"What?"

"And take hands off that part of my anatomy, is completely useless palpitation."

"Oh, I get it! _I_ get it! Well. It's not that I have done anything remotely like this before-- well, remotely, yes but that is very remote. However, as it is all in the interests of self-preservation and in the spirit of scientific inquiry, and as you don't seem to be able to _manage_ otherwise, I will, indeed, try my very best. No, um. No coming down my throat, though."

  
 **• precision**

At 21 hours 38, puddle jumper time, Dr Radek Zelenka inserted his flaccid penis into Dr Rodney McKay's oral orifice. The mucous membranes of Dr Rodney McKay's inside gums slid along Dr Radek Zelenka's penile shaft. Dr McKay's tongue ran along the frenular band until Dr Zelenka's foreskin slid backwards by 2.5 millimetres and the glans was exposed to the saliva produced by Dr McKay's parotid and submandular glands. After 38 seconds of mucal stimulation, Dr Zelenka had achieved a full erection. After a further 17 seconds, seminal fluid made its egress from the meatus.

Dr McKay expectorated 2.4 grams of spermatozoa, leucocytes, seminal plasma and salivary fluid onto the iridium and gunmetal floor of the space vehicle.

  
 **• official report**

Report filed by Lt.-Col. J. Sheppard, 34-17-2006

PdJ #1 (pilot JS; co-p TE; crew LP, PL) received a distress signal from PdJ #3 (pilot RM; co-p RZ; crew N/A) at 20:76, 32-17-06. Communications were disrupted immediately after. Technical team aboard PdJ #1 was able to locate the origin of the signal on PN-S15β, a satellite of PN-S15α. PdJ #1 arrived at site at 11:04, 33-17-06. No casualties, no medical emergencies. PdJ #3 was damaged beyond flight capability (see attached mechanics report) and was left on PN-S15β, pending further engineering work.

Pilot RM and co-p RZ of PdJ #3 were found in state of nudity and some incoherence. Chief MO Dr CB examined them on return to Atlantis and reported no serious medical concerns (see attached clinical report). JS and PL examined area surrounding crash site (wearing hazmat space suits) but found no sign of alien activity to explain confused mindset of RM and RZ. Preliminary findings indicate that falling levels of oxygen inside PdJ #3 had induced a state of mental euphoria (see attached clinical report, para. 3.2).

No further precautions were deemed necessary. The crash site was made safe. RM and RZ were discharged from the infirmary at 17:17, 33-17-06.

Signed, J. Sheppard

Attachments  
1\. Mechanics report  
2\. Clinical report  
3\. Request by RM for re-assignment of accommodation to double-quarters in East Wing  
4\. Request by RZ for re-assignment of accommodation to double-quarters in East Wing

\---

The End.  
Feedback? Oh, yes, please!  
Posted 9 April 2006.  
All original bits © Lobelia.  
LJ: <http://lobelia321.livejournal.com/434790.html>  
This page: http://archiveofourown.org/works/184379


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